I see my Future
by Soubi-san
Summary: Sirius muses in Azkaban! Songfic to Phil Collins' "No Way out"! Please rr!


A/N: The is slightly AU! Sirius was not killed in the end of OotP, but caught by the ministry and brought back to Azkaban.   
  
I think that's all you need to know! Have fun!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing )-:  
  
I see my Future  
  
**Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone  
But there's nothing I can say to change  
the things I've done**   
  
I still remember his eyes. He was crying, but the look in his eyes was horrible. I left him again, the Dementors were dragging me away, even though Dumbledore still tried to talk some sense into Fudge. It was of no use, of course.  
  
Now I'm back, staring at the cold stone walls. I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to sleep.  
  
I see him in my dreams, I see Harry, and he's crying, yelling my name.  
  
He's hurt - because of me.  
  
And now I realize that I've hurt him more than once.  
  
**Of all the things I hid from you  
I cannot hide the shame**   
  
It tried not to show him that I was drinking too much, but of course he has smelled the alcohole when he was at Grimmauld Place.   
  
How stupid I've been! I was supposed to be an example for him, someone to look up to!   
  
I'm sorry, James and Lily, I failed your trust. You should have named a different godfather. Your son deserves so much more!  
  
**And I pray someone, something will come  
to take away the pain**   
  
Maybe someone else will take him now, he should have a good home, someone who loves him.   
  
Remus would be the right person, but I guess the ministry will never allow him to take care of a teenager.  
  
But maybe the Weasleys. Molly loves him so much. I'm sure she could help him to forget about the past - about me. I don't want him to be burdened by the knowledge that I'm in Azkaban again.  
  
**There's no way out of this dark place  
No hope, no future**   
  
I'm in a security cell now, they take care that I'm not able to get away once more.  
  
Only darkness surrounds me and I will never be out again. There is no future for me.  
  
I only want to die.  
  
Forgive me, Harry, forgive me for letting you down.  
  
**I know I can't be free  
But I can't see another way  
I can't face another day**   
  
Never again I will see the sun, or walk over soft grass. I will never again walk through Hogsmead without people looking at me with frightened eyes. These walls will hold me for the rest of my life.   
  
I don't know how to get out this time. There is probably no way at all.  
  
And even though I'm feeling so terribly guilty for it (I promised Harry always to be there for him, after all), I only wish for it to end.  
  
Every day seems like hell, I just can't stand it anymore.  
  
**Tell me where, did I go wrong  
Everyone I loved, they're all gone**   
  
Now, that Dementors are everywhere I can hardly think back to my youth. They won't leave me this happy memory, the memory of a time when James was still there, when we still were the Marauders. Only sometimes, in my deepest dreams, when the Dementors aren't too close, I can see their faces, and for a moment a smile comes to my thin, dry lips.  
  
The world was ours back then, we were so happy. No matter what happened, we always had each other. And when I moved to James I even learned what it means to have a family.  
  
Now James and Lily are gone just like James' parents, Peter betrayed us all and Remus and Harry are so endlessly far away, unreachable for me forever.  
  
**I'd do everything differently  
but I can't turn back the time  
There's no shelter from the storm  
inside of me**   
  
If only I hadn't thought Remus was the traiter, if only I had found out about Peter, if only I hadn't gone to follow him after Voldemort had killed James and Lily. Maybe I could have convinced Dumbledore and the others that I wasn't James' secret-keeper, and maybe they would even have caught Peter...  
  
So many ifs, and still I can't change anything.  
  
I can't find peace...  
  
**There's no way out of this dark place  
No hope, no future  
I know I can't be free  
But I can't see another way  
I can't face another day**   
  
I look up at the heavy door.  
  
For a moment I thought that I heard someone coming, but that can't be true.  
  
Dementors don't make a sound, I'm already imagining things. Great, and I really thought that I will never lose my mind here.  
  
Ain't I naive?  
  
**I can't believe the words I hear  
It's like an answer to a prayer   
**  
But suddenly the door opens and Fudge stands before me.  
  
Bastard!   
  
He's been here before and he didn't answer my questions about Harry, he left me totally in the dark. And now he walked towards me, with that stupid grin on his face.  
  
"You're a free man, Mr Black."   
  
What?!  
  
Great, so he's the one gone crazy.   
  
Suddenly somebody else comes from behind him.   
  
Long, white beard, half-moon glasses and sparkling blue eyes - Dumbledore!   
  
What is he doing here? My mind races. Can it really be that I'm free? But why and how? I still can't believe it, it's too good to be true!   
  
But the old man is smiling at me now, the first smile I have seen in months! "Hello, my dear boy." He reaches out to me, offers me his hand. "Let's get out of here, Sirius."   
  
Hesitantly I let him help me to stand. I'm thin and weak, maybe a little sick as well, but he supports me until we are outside. When we reach the shore I finally realize that I'm not dreaming. The sun is shining on my face, I feel the wind in my dirty hair - I'm out of Azkaban!  
  
I look at Dumbledore for the first time since we left my cell.   
  
"How?"  
  
Again the headmaster smiles at me. "Oh, my dear, there's so much more that I have to do today. It's an exciting time, you will see. But I'm sure that someone else will be happy to answer your question."  
  
**When I look around I see  
This place, this time, this friend of mine**   
  
He points at somebody behind me and when I turn around I see Remus. He's smiling and now he comes towards me.   
  
Wordlessly we hug each other. When I look around I see that Dumbledore is already gone.   
  
I look at my old friend. "Why is he in such a hurry, Rem?" God, my voice sounds so hoarse.   
  
Again a smile comes to his lips. "There's much to do now. Harry killed Voldemort only a few hours ago."  
  
My eyes widen. "He killed Voldemort? Is he ok?" I was so worried about my godson!   
  
"He'll be fine, Sirius. He's in St. Mungos for a curse hit him." He raises a hand to calm me once more. "He will be fine. Come on, we'll go and make a human out of you again, then we can visit him. Ok?"  
  
I nod. "Do... do you think he's mad at me?"  
  
He looks surprised. "Why should he?"  
  
I bow my head a little. "Well, if I had listened to you, if I had stayed in Grimmauld Place, I wouldn't have been brought to Azkaban again. I let him down."  
  
"Nonsense. The first thing he thought about was getting you out of there. He never blamed you. Once Pettigrew was caught it was proven that you are innocent."  
  
Finally I understood, but I still couldn't believe it.   
  
Slowly I followed Remus.  
  
**I know its hard but you   
found somehow  
To look into your heart and  
to forgive me now**   
  
Remus remains in the corridor as I hesitantly open the door to Harry's room. Cards and flowers are everywhere, in the middle of the room I see a single bed.  
  
He sits up and smiles at me. He's a bit pale, but it doesn't seem to be that bad, in fact he looks better than I do. Even though I have taken a bath, changed clothes and got rid of the beard I still look terribly thin and there's hardly any color on my skin.  
  
But he doesn't seem to notice, or care, for the smile on his face doesn't fade. Well, I was in a worse state when he saw me the first time. At least I'm not dirty and clothed in rags now.  
  
"Hi," he whispers, grinning. "I'm glad you're here."  
  
I sit down on the edge of his bed and pull him into a tight hug. "Are you alright?" I ask after releasing him.  
  
"Sure. The healer says I can get out of here in a few days."  
  
Finally I return his smile. "That's great."  
  
He looks up, suddenly he seems almost a little shy. "I could live with you now... If you still want me to."  
  
I'm shocked. What the hell does he mean? "Why shouldn't I?"   
  
"Well, because it was my stupidity that brought you back to Azkaban. If I hadn't believed Voldemort's lies you wouldn't have gone back there."  
  
He blames himself? Why? It was my fault! "Harry, it wasn't your fault. Remus told me to stay in Grimmauld Place, but I didn't listen to him. It happened because I was careless, not because of you! I'm just glad that you don't blame me for letting you down. I certainly deserve it."  
  
He seems confused. "Why should I blame you? You tried to save me." He sighed and rested his head on my bony chest. "I missed you so much!"  
  
I held him close once more. "I missed you, too."  
  
**You've given me the strength to see  
just where my journey ends  
You've given me the strength  
to carry on   
**  
Dumbledore helped me to find the house. The ministry gave me some money for compensation and so I could effort it. It's very big and comfortable, we have some house elves, a big garden and - what will probably be the most important thing in Harry's eyes - a Quidditch pitch.  
  
Harry is waiting for me already. I haven't told him anything about the house yet, I want to surprise him. He will so love it - at least I hope so!   
  
"Ready to go home?" My voice doesn't sound that hoarse anymore, I'm still thin and pale, but I'll be fine. Now that Harry and I can be together everything will be alright. We have a great house a few kilometres away from London, I have a job (on the second half of this term, which will start in nearly two months, I will work in Hogwarts as the History of Magic teacher - Professor Binns finally wants to enjoy his ‚life' as a ghost and decided to quit teaching) and finally I can look forwart to the future again.  
  
"Sure! Have you found a place for us to live?"  
  
I smile at him. "Of course I have."  
  
We leave London by car, Harry is only sixteen after all and he still can't apparate.  
  
During the ride he asks me a thousand questions about the house, but I refuse to tell him anything. He finally gives up and talks about how much he's looking forward to me teaching in Hogwarts. He's sure that History of Magic won't be so boring anymore. Hopefully I won't disappoint him! There's still no school for another week because of the excitement after Voldemort's death. "Everybody will be so excited about you being our new teacher! You're famous!"  
  
I laughed. "Sure, a few days ago they would have run if they had seen me anywhere."  
  
"Well, yeah, but everybody should know you're innocent by now."  
  
That was true. It had been everywhere, even in the Muggle news. Fudge even apologized to me public, but I didn't care about that. An apology can never be enough for thirteen years in Azkaban. Now I only want to forget.  
  
From now on lifewill be good. I can spend a lot of time with Harry during the week since I am a teacher now (Professor Black - how James would have laughed!), I finally will be there for him. Of course I won't be able to replace James and Lily, but at least he has somebody now.   
  
And he seems pretty happy about that!   
  
We are home. As I stop the car he looks at me with large eyes. "That's ours?"   
  
I nod nervously. "Yeah, it is. Do you like it?"  
  
"Are you kidding? I love it!" We get out of the car and we enter the the large house - our home!  
  
**I see the path from this dark place  
I see my future  
Your forgiveness has set me free  
Oh and I can see another way  
I can face another day!**   
  
The last three days were perfect! It was better than expected. Harry loves it to live with me and it's wonderful to have a normal life.  
  
But in the nights I am back again. Back in Azkaban.  
  
I see the Dementors, the walls and the darkness. And this time I wake up screaming. Usually I'm just bathed in sweat but I just couldn't hold it back this time.  
  
Not even a minute later Harry comes in and turns on the light. He looks so worried. "Are you ok?"  
  
With some effort I manage a small smile. "Yeah, just a dream."  
  
"About Azkaban?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He sighs and comes towards me, hugging me tightly. "You're save now, Sirius."  
  
I smile and return the embrace. "I know."  
  
And I know that the nightmares won't come back...  
  
**I see the path, I can see the path  
I see the future  
I see the path from this dark place  
I see the future  
  
I see the path, I can see the path  
I see the future **  
  
End


End file.
